I am no relationship expert. I have learned this the hard usually not easy way. I am still also learning and this comes from a variety of resources. Books are helpful, myself as a test subject has always taught me a lesson and of course learning from other people. I love listening to people and a big big big subject people love to get perspective in, or just to talk about is.. you guessed it, their relationship.
Better ways of communication in a relationship over a problem
How we communicate in a relationship is so vital to understand each other and especially when working out a problem. An argument really exposes a person to their true core. Therefore talking about it is a very challenging thing to do because a problem usually has emotions intertwined and those are no joke! When emotions lead the conversation there is not much they will hold back. Though, we can practice how to articulate how we feel without wanting to burn the house down. That comes down to a few simple tweaks in how we communicate our feelings or thoughts in which the problem lies.
- The argument itself: The root cause
In your argument think back to what it was about. Dig a little deeper into it and try to see if there is a recurring feeling or thought that started it. Chances are your arguments will be circled around one general topic. Think hard and look into the details sometimes it may be hard to find the perpetrator. So here is a light example:
- You argue about bills because you’re the one who always has to remind your partner and it’s frustrating that it’s always on you.
- You’re always cleaning up after them and are annoyed you don’t leave messes for them to clean up and if you did as an experiment they didn’t clean it up anyway
- When you leave the house with your partner, your partner is always scrambling to get ready to leave making you late for things you do together which annoys you because you hate being late.
These are different situations but there is a common theme. You feel your partner is not as responsible as you are. All these different situations that led to you becoming mad or emotional, usually turning into a fight, could be broken down into this root cause.
Once you know the root cause, it’s a good start! We’ll get to what to do with that after a few more steps.
- Language: Don’t use the words “You made me feel”
In conversation stray away from the words “you make/made me feel”, because to blame the other person usually is a conversation shut down and going to invoke some heavy feelings on either side. Blaming gets you nowhere in an argument because it’s an attack mechanism. A common phrase in an argument is “You make me feel…..stupid, uncreative, boring, sad, mad, hurt, (enter any bad emotion felt here). Though, think about it, your partner didn’t MAKE you feel anything, they didn’t wave a magic wand and cast a spell, “You will now feel stupid!” If that’s the case then they absolutely did it! This is something you felt from how they responded. Take responsibility for the way you feel, it is your feelings after all. A better way to express this feeling could be “I Felt …..Hurt…..). When expressed in this way takes the control one has over another and levels the playing field (for a fair fight). You can control your thoughts and reactions to something, so if you want you want to express one you ought to take responsibility for it. In this way you’ve explained how you feel and keep an open conversation, which may help you to come to a resolution.
Now, with some language tips under our belts, try to consult your partner about the root cause of the problems. It’s going to be a good thing that they know what’s bothering you or where your aggravation comes from. (And if not a good thing, your partner really needs to read the next step, below.)
- Understanding each other
Think back on your arguments and see if there is something you can do to help the situation. Of course, they should do the same when they are bothered. Let’s use the example above but with the other side of the argument- you don’t feel as responsible as your partner wishes you would be, you’ve just learned this through them talking to you (about the root cause) from the step above. Try to understand them, think of who they are and why they are the way they are. Think about the way they were raised or how their parents are. That can give you a clue on their actions and reactions. Let’s say the partner who feels more responsible than the other grew up raising their siblings, with parents not around much ,they had to feed and take care of them. They got their first job at the ripe old age of 15, working hard to make extra money for a car to take their siblings to school everyday. Thinking about this, you can understand why they might feel frustrated about taking care of your old enough ass. But along that same vein, you also have to make sure they understand you. For example, maybe you were an only child growing up and you only had to be focused on your own activities and your parents were probably supportive of you. You didn’t have time to clean up all your messes with the many activities you partook in, so luckily you had a great mom and she helped you out with stuff like that.
Maybe you think your partner is too stuffy, always cleaning up for things to be “perfect”. However, that thought can change when you think of them cleaning up after the tons of messes their siblings left around in order to keep their house manageable. It’s just ingrained in them, something they are use to. Magic can happen when we understand why people do what they do. Now you think, “Okay, I understand and I want to help, so maybe I can help out more.” Once a tweak is put in place, that partner can now be less stressed and maybe even a little more messy themselves, not feeling that burden always on them. In a way you’ve changed their life and attitude, allowing them more freedom and protecting your relationship the added stress.
- Don’t be a mind reader, no one is but it would be awesome if we could! Maybe..
Most arguments stem from a certain feeling, as we talked about. That being said, it is easy to give this thought or feeling a label in our relationship. We hold it deep down and once we think it’s being touched on, here comes our emotions ready to rumble. Holding onto that will always create a fight, even if your partner is not alluding to it but with it in your mind you will twist it to take offense to it. My advice is to take it out of your mind, don’t dwell on something you take offense to from your partner. If you do, it will be a fight in your mind all the time and probably in real life too, since it’s what you think about a lot. Focus on all the reasons you love your partner, let that be the main thought in your head. Thoughts are powerful and create our reality. Do you want a reality where you are constantly mad at the things they do? Or one of a loving relationship where you are proud to have them as your partner? We start to become like the person we are closest to, so if you’re not proud of the way your partner is, you need to either work it out and communicate or re-vist your values.
- Squash the thought bubble of that perfect person
When all is lost and we start to dream of our perfect partner who now is a thought other than our current partner, just remember this “perfect” partner is made-up, someone who does not exist. We have to work on the relationship to have them flow in a way we like. And yes be selfish, it has to be a way you like or this person is not the one for you. They should think the same way, you don’t want to be with someone who is always upset by the way you are and vise versa. Okay now we have a partner who we love and get along with and things are flowing in a good way but you have an argument and you start dreaming of that perfect person (it’s inevitable). Who won’t do the thing they just did to upset you. Just know that “person” will have some problems you didn’t even know existed yet. Yes they may understand your need to be organized and always on time…but they may hate your cat. And that’s a deal breaker for you. Once that vision is over then you can start working out the current problem with the person you love.